Finding Faith

My issues with authority began long ago. Ask anyone who knows me intimately, and they’ll tell you I’m rebel with a cause. Opinionated, graceful and always ready to push the envelope, they’d say, or that’s just Brandon being Brandon. Of course, there were people who believed those characteristics would hold me back in life. They accused me of wanting to do things on my own because I scoffed at their plans for my life— I had my own dreams. Nobody likes being controlled. Condemnation comes with being a free thinker in world where many are afraid to speak up, let alone be themselves.

I used to feel bad for being being vocal, going against the grain and intellectually challenging “leaders” when I believed in something deeply. I own it now and fully embrace who I am. There was a time, however, when I didn’t want to rock the boat out of fear I was disappointing God. I was afraid to have my own ideas and feelings about the world. The spiritual “leaders” in my life believed being a good christian was passively cruising through life with our hands comfortably off the wheel. Unrealistic expectations seemed to be the norm, while pointing fingers at others who dared to be different. After all, we were sheep who needed to be guided along, or were we?

You see Church was a huge part of my life. I was there every week faithfully. There was Sunday service, Monday night choir rehearsal, Tuesday night prayer and then there was Wednesday night bible study. I can’t remember if anything happened on Thursday, but on Friday, my parents dragged me and my sister to youth night. This was literally my routine for years…and years. My whole world view was shaped and formed by what I learned in my Church. Some of it was great and but a lot of it was damaging. I have to be honest, this is my truth.

Do I believe God is real? I do. Do I believe in the power of faith? Absolutely. I cringe thinking about the fear I felt when I admitted to myself that I didn’t know what I believed after all those years in the church. I felt stifled, I felt sick, I felt stuck. Robotic actions and just showing up, made me feel inauthentic. I didn’t know how to deal with the feelings.

I suppressed my questions about the world. I vehemently judged people who plotted their own course. I learned to use the bible to force views on others. I made it my job to “save” people regardless of their own feelings. I started to become what I did not fully understand and deep down inside I didn’t like it. It was all I knew until one day, much later in my spiritual journey, I realized I was hurting and confused. My experience with church was suffocating. It’s strange how it happens over time. One day it just hits you while you’re sitting in the pews. You realize you’ve been going through the religious motions for a long time. It’s a terrifying thought, at first.

When you begin to question what you truly believe, there is a real fear of being shunned. And sometimes you are, unfortunately. It’s the well meaning people in your life who think they have all of God’s answers for your life. They’ll try to manipulate you by saying, they’re praying for you when you challenge them or take charge. You’ll feel ostracized for making your own choices.

Maybe you’ve been feeling this way too— perhaps for a long time. I write this piece today to encourage you to find God for yourself. Take a step back from all of the voices around you and find your own. There’s nothing wrong with questioning what you believe. Church hurt is real. Bad churches are real. Misleading Pastors are real. Good kind hearted people can still falsely believe they know what’s best for you. There’s freedom in finding faith for yourself, on your terms. The good Lord meets us right where we are. Life isn’t always black and white.

This is much deeper than the four walls we often refer to as Church and spirituality. Rigid judgement, fear and control have never been ingredients of love and never will be. This isn’t about not believing in God, this is about making a choice to believe on your own. Life is journey of growth and discovery. So ask the difficult questions, embrace the unknown, read for yourself and most of all don’t let anyone control you. May we all find our way. May we all find the faith.