Finding Freedom

For many years I quietly accepted ideas that were not my own. Religion was ingrained in me since birth, practically. As someone who grew up in the church, the stories I read and the dogma preached was all I knew. I became a commander of the gospel in my youth. I learned to disregard other people’s point of view and would accuse them of needing saving when their personal views did not align with the views of my church. I still cringe when I think about it. I felt empowered due to my ability to recall scriptures on a dime and believed it was my duty to save everyone. I was heavily encouraged to evangelize by the church leaders. I felt that was all my life was worth to them.

I spent the majority of my teenage years in Youth Ministry. I was conditioned and pressured to be this thoughtless robotic Christian. I suppressed my own ideas and accepted the Pastor’s perception of the world. They forced us to sing and dance during praise and worship and if we didn’t, there was a lecture. “Isn’t God good? Why aren’t you praising him?! People are dying every day and you’re just standing there!?” There was even a youth service where one of the youth leaders tried to make us speak in tongues. I stood at the front while one of the leaders prayed for me. Nothing was happening, and I could sense his frustration. I strung a few odd words together based on what I’d heard others do, just to go back to my seat. It felt unnatural to be pressured this way. The immense guilt as a result of not truly conforming was always there, lingering. It was a heavy thing to shake. I’d often apologize for having my own thoughts.

The ministry put us in a box. We were mindless people who were encouraged to believe everything about us was bad. By simply existing, we were damaged. They dangled hell in front of us to keep us in line. It was a breeding ground for low self-esteem. The control was the worst. Everything had to be approved by the Pastor. I can remember people having to get his blessings just to move on with their lives. When I finally got the courage to leave to live my own life, I felt like the odd man out. I was the young man who lost his way. Many of the folks I went to church with were like my family.

Today, I embrace my ideas about religion without fear or self-judgment. It took me a while to get to this place. When you actually take a step back and think about it, the foundation of religion is built on fear. Maybe you’ve been feeling this uneasiness in your own spiritual life. There is such thing as spiritual abuse and it’s more common than you think. Spiritual marginalization occurs when you are ostracized for having your own thoughts and questions. I can remember my questions being labeled as unbelief because they were too difficult for the religious leader to address, thus labeling me someone who needed more Jesus. Spirituality is liberation, while religion is a prison.

This piece was written not to say believing in Christ is wrong. It’s a piece that challenges the idea that we are not capable of making our own decisions about our spirituality without manipulation. Many spiritual leaders mean well, but they do not fully grasp the impact, and or magnitude of gross judgment. May we all continue to grow, learn, and become at peace with ourselves. We all were truly fearfully and wonderfully made. Our spiritual journey is deeply personal. Never let anyone make you feel bad for questioning your beliefs. It’s your right to question what you believe. Freedom of thought makes life beautiful.