A Beautiful Beginning

A new year represents a beautiful chance to start over. It’s a beacon of hope that we look to as we turn yet another page in this book of life. It‘s a chance to reset, shed the weight of what didn’t work while simultaneously dreaming of what we could accomplish this time around.

It’s this expectant attitude, hope, and excitement that encourages us to rise to the occasion. I’m encouraged, and I hope you are as well. I believe our future is certainly greater than our past. I’m thankful for opportunity to go at it again.

At the beginning of the year, I like to review the year before. During this time I examine the things that went right for me, and also the areas I could improve. While I wish it were easy to celebrate the wins, I often gloss over those to focus on what I could’ve done better. Perhaps you can relate? I call it the folly of perfection. While we understand perfection doesn’t exist, it doesn’t stop us from attempting to live void of mistakes. I know the struggle well. Learning how to embrace ourselves just as we are while we’re in the process of becoming the best version of ourselves is challenging at best.

What are you most excited about this year? Have you laid out your plan of attack? Do you have tangible goals? I’ve decided to keep it simple this year. I’m focused on spending more time living in the moment, treating my body with love, and sharing the content of my heart with authenticity and passion. There’s no need to run ourselves into the ground. Take it slow this year. Be intentional with your relationships and your time. Be kind to your body and your spirit. Remember to breathe often and always give yourself grace.

May this new year present you with extraordinary opportunities, happiness, and the truest desires of your heart.

One Way Ticket

I feel closer to God here. Nature certainly has a way of bringing the best out of you. The melanin in my skin rejoices each day as the sun baptizes me with its all-encompassing power. The Valley of the Sun is a fitting nickname for Phoenix. With temperatures settling in the low seventies in the middle of winter, I’m certainly not complaining.

As I sit down to write this piece, I find myself mesmerized. The scenery here is astonishing. My writing desk faces a large window at the front of the house with a view that recharges my soul. To my right, there’s a majestic mountain range that towers above my home. I’m at peace; all is right in my world. I can finally take a breath as these past few weeks have been a whirlwind, and for good cause.

Today, I reflect on the process that led us here. I’m overwhelmed with gratitude and filled with joy. It’s difficult to put in words how I feel, but I’ll do my best. Being able to do something you’ve always dreamed of feels surreal even though it was apart of the plan. The moment we set foot in Phoenix almost seven years ago, planted a seed in our collective heart. We always believed this city would have a special place in our lives. In early 2020, we decided we were going to make the move. At that time, there were so many things up in the air, and with Covid raging, things became even more complicated. I refused to let the confusion stop us from doing what we’d planned to do. We decided to build our home in-spite of the challenges; we trusted the process.

By early 2021, with travel restrictions in place, flying to Phoenix every other month to check on the construction of our home was arduous at best. In September of this year, I contracted Covid which added yet another layer of complexity. Following my recovery, we discovered our storage unit, which contained most of our belongings, had suffered extensive water damage. So many of our items were destroyed. We powered through those frustrating moments and at the end of those trying times was the proverbial pot of gold. We watched a bare lot be transformed into our sprawling Spanish-inspired desert dream home. Seeing our ideas come to life is something that I’ll cherish for the rest of my life. It made facing those challenges worth it.

If you’ve been on the fence about relocating, I hope these words encourage you to take the leap. Follow your heart where ever it may lead, even if that means changing zip codes. Even though I felt deeply connected to this part of this country, I dealt with moments of fear and uncertainty. Moving across the country is exhilarating as it is equally terrifying. There were so many unknowns. I definitely questioned myself early in the process. I extended grace to myself, as feeling emotional discomfort was a natural response to such a big transition.

When it was finally time to say goodbye to all we’d known on the east coast, I felt a sense of relief and overwhelming gratitude. Sitting on the plane with a one-way ticket west, was not only surreal, but it represented the completion of a goal we’d set years ago. If you have a dream, I encourage you to go after it with all of your might. Change can be scary, but it’s worth it. I promise you it is. Not being able to easily see the people you love is an adjustment. To be honest, that part is really hard. I’m thankful for the circle of family and friends who’ve supported this journey. Dreams really do come true, I’m living proof of that.

A New Season

Brownish-orange leaves tumbled across my feet, as a calming breeze blew through. There wasn’t a single cloud in the sky, and the colorful trees along my route added to the allure of the season. I stopped along the path to savor the moment. I closed my eyes and took a deep breath, feeling one with the earth. I focused on the rusting sound the branches made, as they swayed slowly. A soft faint scent of spiced lattes and holiday treats seemed to travel in the fall air. The earth was changing seasons in the most beautiful way.

Fall is undoubtedly my favorite time of the year, but this year is obviously uncharacteristically different. I continued my trot home before the sun disappeared behind the horizon. Breaking away from the noise of the election, a constant reminder of Covid and the seemingly endless cycle of negative news was paramount. But if I’m honest, Thanksgiving is not the same this year. There’s so much pain and division in the world. It just doesn’t sit right with my soul.

How have you been coping during this Holiday season? This year I’ve had to scale it back in order to consider the safety of the ones that I love. Although we’d loved to see everyone, we thought it’d be best to stay home. If you’re feeling the sting of the season, I understand deeply. With shorter days and colder temps, now more than ever, we long for human connection. We’re not designed to be an island which adds to the discomfort this season has brought many people. Hang in there if you had to scale it back or spend this holiday season alone. I know it’s a difficult adjustment. There’s nothing that can quite replace the sound of a house that’s full of laughter, the smell of food cooked with love, and togetherness.

Be kind to yourself during this season. For the sake of our mental health, we have to find ways to be present. Here are a few ways to make the best of the times.

1. Video calls: Perhaps you may not physically be able to see the ones you love, but you can video chat. I know it’s not the same but it’s a way to bridge the gap.

2. Drop off meals: You’ve got family and friends who love your mac and cheese? Consider delivering a plate. Dropping off a plate is a great way to remain socially distanced while still being able to able to see the people you care about. Who doesn’t love a good plate cooked with love?

3. Binge-watch movies: Is there a series you love? It’ll be a great time to snuggle up and catch up on your favorite series. There’s so much to watch these days. Have you seen Jingle Jangle? I personally recommend it.

4. Dive into a new book: Reading calms the soul. I love getting lost in a good book. Maybe it’ll be a great time to read my new novel, There’s Somethin’ About Love. I know, I know. I’m biased.

5. Nature walks: I’m an outdoor guy. I sincerely love being out in nature. The weather has been pretty mild on the east coast, at least. Even if you’re standing outside for a few minutes, get a big nice whiff of that fall air. It does wonders.

We’ll get through this season together. It’s not easy, but we’ll get through it. Be encouraged and be safe. Happy Thanksgiving.

Miracles

I woke up suddenly a few nights ago in a cold sweat. I was engulfed in the darkness of my bedroom at two in the morning. It was quiet in the house. To be exact, the only sound that could be heard was the fan, which blew peacefully on it’s lowest setting. My pattern of rest had been, interesting to say the least. Over the last month or so, I’d been deep in the throes of my upcoming novel, There’s Somethin’ about Love. Most days, writing carries me deep into the night. I find I do my best writing under the Moon’s glow. I pulled the covers back a quarter of the way. The bed squeaked when I sat up. My eyes slowly adjusted to the darkness. I reached for my phone out of habit and decided to do some reading to help relax my mind. 

My earnest attempt to read were derailed by my curiosity, when I noticed a few alerts from my various social media accounts. I went down the rabbit hole, as my sister Ebony passionately dubs moments of willful distraction, especially distractions that involve a tiny screen. I scrolled, and I scrolled, only stopping when I reached a post that immediately caught my attention. My eyes grew wide when an old friend announced that he was dealing with a serious diagnosis. Stunned by the word, cancer, I tried to reason with myself that it was somehow a mistake. I clearly wasn’t reading his post correctly. After the second attempt, reality hit me. Sickness doesn’t care about your dreams or your age. These types of situations can strike at any moment, leaving the strongest amongst us feeling helpless. It’s this fragility of life, that bounds us all together. I sat the phone down and began to think how life can seemingly change in the blink of an eye. I said a prayer for my brother. My thoughts shifted to all of the people I know who’re in the midst of a battle for their health. I wrote this piece today to empower, uplift and encourage anyone who is affected by a devastating health challenge.

Tough breaks are apart of life, but that’s not how the story ends. I’m a firm believer in better days. In fact, they’re on the way to you right now. Worrisome thoughts about the future may have been keeping you up at night wondering if your situation will ever change. This serves as a reminder of the extraordinary healing and miracles that happen everyday. Believe this is the year, things change in a mighty way. I don’t care what the doctor says or has said in the past. I’ll always encourage you to choose to believe, there’s hope.

Dare to believe things are improving in your body, mind and soul right now at this very moment. Distance yourself from people who focus on doom and gloom. Our lives are too precious to fill our mind with negative thoughts. Though the thoughts may come, you have the power to choose to accept or reject them. Hold on to your faith, there’s power in it. There’s also power in filling your heart with words of encouragement, love and life giving thoughts. Come back to this piece whenever you feel stressed by what you’re currently facing. Above all, never forget to pray. I know how difficult it can be to pray when you’re mind is troubled, but prayer truly changes things. I’ve seen it in my own life. If the good Lord has performed miracles for others, these same miracles can surely be performed for you. Hold on.

Don't I Deserve Love?

“I’m tired of being alone,” Charmaine sighed. “Ever since I’ve broken up with Damian, I seem to only attract idiots. Maybe my mother was right after all, I’m just too difficult.”

“Don’t say that,” Charmaine’s friend Morgan said. “We all go through tough breakups.”

“I guess you’re right. I just feel so hopeless.”

“I know what you mean, girl. I’m not gonna lie, it’s hard out here but it’s not impossible to find love. Hell, my parent’s have been married for thirty years. I’m not going to give up and you aren’t either baby.”

Charmaine and Morgan sat across from each other in a semi crowded cafe conversing about their love life. The year had just began and it already looked like it was going to be another year of the same ole bull. The ladies wondered why love had to be so complicated. Both of them now entering their early thirties worried their window to find happiness slowly closed. They laughed with each other to keep from crying. The smell of assorted latte’s and warm pastries filled their corner of the cafe, temporarily distracting them.

“I’m tired of talking about this,” Morgan chuckled. “ You wan’t something to eat?”

“I could go for a chai tea latte. Thank you.”

They sipped their drinks and watched the people that came in and out of the door. It seemed like there were happy couples everywhere. Charmaine looked around and noticed men and women embracing in seemingly every direction. At one point she thought there had to be some sort of joke being played on her. Every social media post seemed to evoke a similar sentiment. Was everyone happy but me? Charmaine wondered, sliding her phone back into her purse in between sips. Don’t I deserve to find love and happiness too?

***

Love, what a small word that packs so much power and meaning. Just the mere sight of the word can evoke a strong emotional response. Love is often a word that is tossed around and used carelessly at times. Love brings us joy and some times tears of despair. It’s complicated and confusing. It’s also beautiful and life giving. It’s absence can leave us searching our entire lives for it. It’s power has driven people to do miraculous things. The good book says, God is Love. 1st Corinthians 13: 4 reminds us of that. No matter what your thoughts about love are, we can all agree, there’s much to be said about it. I believe we all need it in our lives. At the core of who we are, we all seek to be understood and appreciated on some level. I’m inclined to believe that to be true. In fact, I believe it’s what connects us all within this human experience. It’s our capacity to give and receive love that truly makes us human.

There are so many different aspects of love to talk about, but today, I’d like to focus on romantic love, or Eros, as the Greeks so passionately referred to it. Think about those butterflies you’ve felt when you stared into the eyes of your lover. Remember the feeling you felt in your gut when you kissed the one you loved for the first time. Your heart beat as if it were dancing on a cloud, didn’t it? In those moments, we feel alive and completely blown away by the experience. It’s exhilarating and honestly what makes life truly special. Sometimes there are hiccups on our road to Eros that can leave us feeling like we’ll never experience that kind magic again. Or worse that we’re simply unlovable and destined to remain lonely forever.

The heart of this message is simple. I wrote this piece to remind you, if you’ve been having a tough time with love, that there is love reserved for you no matter what you’ve faced in the past. It doesn’t matter what your parents, ex lover, current lover or friends have said about you, I’m reminding you that there is nothing about you that disqualifies you from receiving love. There is someone out there right now, that can’t stop thinking about you. There’s someone right now, as you read this, that was glad the good Lord woke you up this morning. The most beautiful thing about that is, you may not have even met this person yet. If you’re going through a tough time with your lover, things can change for the better. May these words uplift your spirit today. Love isn’t just some fairy tale reserved for a select few, there’s love out there for you. Dare to believe, you’re stepping into a season of romance, rose pedals and baecations. Dare to believe, the good Lord is getting ready to allow your path to cross with someone who won’t be able to get enough of you.

Above all, remember to love yourself. You deserve to be happy. You’ve got to believe that. You deserve to smile like never before. Don’t let anyone convince you, it’s not possible. Revisit this piece on days when you feel discouraged and hopeless. If you were looking for confirmation, well, here it is. You deserve love, my friend.

When the Winds Change

Tanika and her mother shared laughs between each other as they took there seats at a posh restaurant that overlooked the Atlantic Ocean. The early afternoon sun caused their mocha skin to glow as the seaside Caribbean air played in their hair. Trips to St. Thomas in the winter have become a tradition for the two of them after Tanika’s father unexpectedly passed away just five short years ago. The two ladies who were having the time of their lives together. Adorned in their white sun dresses, there wasn’t a single cloud in the sky. They certainly picked a perfect Sunday to enjoy brunch.

“I love you so much, Tanika,” her mother said as she softly squeezed her hand. “You just make me so proud to be your mother.”

“Wow mom, thank you. What made you say that?”

A cool breeze caused her mother’s gorgeous gray curls to softly sway as she searched for the words to say.

“You’re beautiful, successful and an absolutely amazing daughter. Your father would be so proud of you. Thank you for always making time for me in your busy life.”

“You’re going to make me cry. Stop it, mom,” Tanika smiled in between wiping a tear from her eye.

The waiter appeared with a pitcher of water and introduced himself as Brandon to the ladies as they glanced over the menu. “Welcome to St. Thomas, where the water is always blue and the sky is full of sunshine. You two must be sisters,” he smiled as he poured water into their glasses. “Take your time ladies, I’ll come back to take your orders when you’re ready,” The ladies blushed and thanked him kindly. They continued their conversation while they decided what to eat."

“How’s your friend Bria?” her mother asked. “I haven’t seen her in so long. Those two young ladies at the table over there reminded me of ya’ll. You two have been inseparable ever since high school.”

“That’s a good question mom; I’m not sure. I’ve been reaching out to her and haven’t really heard back accept for a few short text messages. She’s been busy, she says.”

“I’m sorry love. It’s okay,” her mother replied with reassuring smile.

Tanika laid her menu down for a moment and rubbed her eyes. She didn’t say anything for a few minutes to gather her thoughts.

“We were supposed to go see PJ Morton a few months ago, but she never got back to me. None of my calls have been returned. I ended up going with someone else because I couldn’t wait anymore. I don’t get it. We’ve been best friends for so many years. I haven’t done anything to her. To be honest, It hurts.”

“I’ve been on this earth for sixty three years honey and I’ve had quite a few relationships that have changed. Life happens to the best of us. Maybe she’s going through something. You have to allow her to go through her process.”

“Her birthday was last month and I saw the pictures on Facebook. I didn’t even get an invite.“

Seeing that her question struck a nerve with her daughter, her mother nodded with compassion, feeling every word. The waiter returned and the ladies ordered their meals. A live band began to play in the restaurant, which temporarily distracted Tanika from continuing to think about a friendship that she once thought would never change.

***

One of the most difficult things in life to accept is change. There’s something about change that really shakes us to the core. We’re creatures of habit and we tend to find peace when things are the same. Like the precise hands of a clock, we too go through cycles. And just like the earth, our lives experience different seasons. Changes within our most treasured relationships are often taken the hardest. These changes happen for a myriad of reasons but they still hurt all the same.

I wish I could say all great relationships existed without end, but that’s just not reality. As much as we desire to continue to develop deep meaningful connections with certain friends and family, there are times when the other person disconnects and we can’t pinpoint how or where it evolved. But we feel it in our guts; we feel the difference. I’ve written this piece to encourage you today, if you’ve experienced this kind of shift in your life. Sometimes people grow apart for various reasons and you have to let the other person find themselves. There are times people go through things and genuinely don’t know what to do so they stay to themselves. Others get married, have children or their lives take them in different directions. It’s okay. As much as it may hurt, the best thing you can do is remember that we cannot force others to be in our lives. It’s not always about us.

May we each learn to be good friends. It’s easy to take our most precious relationships for granted. It’s equally easy to get caught up focusing all of our attention on the ones who walked away. I’ve learned to just go with the flow and allow people to be who they are, even if that means being apart from me. I’ve also learned to be thankful for the people who’ve been there from day one and continue to be there. This message is really about gratitude. Meaningful relationships make life special. In your quiet time today, I ask you to think of a three people who you haven’t talked too in awhile. Give them a call. Let them know you’re thinking about them. I also ask you to find three people who you talk to often, and thank them for being present in your life. Love is always there. Love is always present. When the winds change in life, just know that it will always be okay. There are people around you who love you and are glad you’re in their life. Remember this always.

Vampires

Everyone in the room was vibing to the soulful sounds of Jill Scott one Friday evening. Naila had planned her after Thanksgiving get together several months in advance and was glad everyone was enjoying themselves. The year had been a somewhat stressful one, but she’d come out on top. She cracked smile at the thought of all that she was able to accomplish. She continued to sip her fruity drink as the small group of friends talked and laughed amongst each other. As one of the best attorneys in her Washington, D.C. law firm, Naila was glad to finally get some much needed time away from the constant hustle and bustle of the Courtroom. With several key wins under her belt that year, she certainly had a lot to be thankful for.

“Girl thanks for having us over, we’re enjoying ourselves,” her friend Jasmine said, with the rest of ladies in agreement.

“I’m just glad to be surrounded by so much love, ya’ll just don’t understand,” Naila replied.

They all continued talking late into the evening with no signs of letting up. Many of her girlfriends planned to spend the night since they were going shopping the following morning. Naila eased herself away from the group and went upstairs to wrap her hair for the night when her phone rang.

”Naila…”

”Yes Mom, is everything alright?” Naila answered.

She set the phone down on the sink and prepared to listen to what her mother had to say as she continued fixing her hair in the mirror.

”I just don’t know what to do. I’m in all kinds of trouble and come to think of it, I haven’t been feeling good either. Life is just so hard, I don’t know what I’ve done to deserve such poor treatment from everyone. I haven’t heard from Marcus in weeks, he didn’t even have the nerve to call his mother on Thanksgiving,” Naila’s mother complained. “Why do people treat me so bad, I’ve been so good to all of ya’ll.”

”Ma, I’m not Marcus’ keeper. You’re going to have to call him and ask. You know he’s been busy with his company; I’m sure he called you. And if you’re feeling so bad, why don’t you go to the doctors.”

“The doctors? I’m feeling better now, anyway. I don’t know what to do about all this trouble though,” she moaned almost to the point of tears.

”Ma listen, I’d love to hear more but right now isn’t a good time. I’ve got my girls over and their waiting for me downstairs.”

”Oh I see, I guess your friends are more important than your mother who clearly is having a rough time. Why didn’t I get an invite? I get it, don’t worry about it.”

The call ended with her mother upset as usual. Naila took a deep breath and went back downstairs to rejoin her friends. She was visibly frustrated and drained.

***

I think I’d be speaking for most of us when I say, we’ve all got someone like Naila’s mother in our lives. These kind of people come in all flavors. It could be a coworker, a friend or even a close family member. Most people who behave like this are probably unaware of how their constant complaining and emotionally draining behavior is affecting others. Emotional vampires seem to get a rise out of sympathy and overstating unfortunate situations. I would even go as far as saying, they often create many of the circumstances they find unfavorable. After speaking to these kind of folks, we’re often left mentally exhausted and in search of energy.

Our mental health is important, which is why we have to be selective with whom we speak to the most. Granted, we all have our days where things feel trying and difficult, however it’s the people who perpetually bring drama and confusion to our lives that are most dangerous to our well being. Think of how you feel after talking to someone who continuously gets themselves into trouble or constantly laments to you about their problems. Or worse, they complain and never seem interested in trying to fix their situation.

Today, I ask you to consider setting healthy boundaries by holding the people in your life accountable for their behavior. Find the strength to speak up. Let them know you can’t talk at the moment, or better yet, you’re not in a position to allow them to vent. Find a way to remove yourself temporarily to regroup, if you’re in a situation where you have to deal with someone like this often. Don’t feel bad for not answering their calls as much either. You’re not a bad person because you’ve chosen not to deal with an emotional vampire for your own well being. You’ve got to protect your peace of mind— In fact it’s imperative that you do. You’re worth that much.

If you enjoyed this uplifting read, please share it with your friends and family.

Frustrated.

“You’re letting me go? Why? I mean, I’ve done everything you’ve asked of me. I don’t understand. I thought the project was a success?” Angela asked her manager in horror.

“Ang, it’s not you, you know that. If I could stop this I would, but it’s out of my hands. Please don’t make this harder than it has to be,” her boss Milton said with a heavy heart. “I’m hurt by this too.”

“Please Milton. There has to be something you can do. I’ve got a family to feed. Don’t do this to me. I’ve given you all fifteen good years of my life. What about all of my hard work in this company?” She tearfully shouted over the small conference room table. “Does any of this mean anything to you?!”

“Ang, I’m sorry but it’s out of my hands,” he said with a somber look.

Angela, went back to her cubicle and quietly packed her things. They allowed her to say goodbye to friends who’d become family over the years. The company had been laying off people over the last six months due to a poor economy. She never thought it’d be her. Why would she? She led many of the important projects, poured her soul into her work, and never gave anyone a single problem. After all, you’d think her efforts would have been rewarded, right? Not so in this case, sadly. With three teenage daughters who would soon be going to college, the news couldn’t have come at a worse time.

The sun shone through a few gray clouds as Angela took the often two hour drive home, which now didn’t seem as long without traffic. She stared ahead in a zombie like trance wishing it was all a dream. At twelve in the afternoon, most people were in the office or out getting lunch but she had just received her walking papers. Why me? How could this happen to me? God, I’ve prayed, I’ve been faithful and this still happened, she shouted in anger while hitting the dashboard of her car with her fist. The world now felt empty and void of all joy. She had no idea what she was going to do now. Angela was down on her luck; she was frustrated. It wasn’t fair, but it was life, and life doesn’t always play by the rules.

***

Just when everything began to make sense, everything crashed and burned. You’ve done things the right way, and it still fell apart. You’ve played life by the rules, and life still said checkmate. You’ve moved with intention, only to realize you’ve gotten know where. Damn. Life can be frustrating as hell. In these difficult moments, we feel paralyzed by thoughts of defeat that seem to flood our minds with fear, causing our breathing to become shallow. We grip our chest, hoping to stop the confusion. We push harder to understand how it all could end up like this. Like Angela, we ask God why. We understand difficult times are apart of life, but why now. The story above illustrates just how incredibly frustrating the human experience can be all of us, but there’s hope.

I’ve come today to ask you to lift up your head, you’ve been burdened by frustration as of late. This season won’t last always. Take a moment to think of all you’ve been through. If you’re here today, you’ve made it before and you’ll make it again. Let these words sink into your heart right now. Dig Deep Within and stand your ground. Don’t allow the voices in your mind to convince you that you’re through. You aren’t through. You aren’t finished. In fact, you’re just getting started. Hold on. Stay in the fight. There is coming a day when you’ll reap the benefits of not giving up on yourself. The best way to move through life is to keep moving forward. You can do it. Your circumstances don’t define you. Dare to believe you’re up next. It’s your turn to finally get all this life has to offer. I believe. Do you?

Please share, if this touched you in anyway.

To pre-order my new book, Freedom Park: A Novel please visit: https://www.amazon.com/dp/B07VN3J1R1/

Who Do You See?

“I remember. Yep, I’ve got the details. How could I ever forget about your big celebration, man?” Rashad said with a chuckle. “The big 3-0, is always a big deal!”

“Ha, thanks brother. Remember when we were kids?” Jeremiah reminisced. “We used to think thirty was so old.” There was silence on the line, before both men began to laugh together thinking about how far they’ve come in life. “But you’re right, turning thirty is a big deal, which is why I want your ass there.” 

“You know how it is in this joint. All work and hardly ever any play,” Rashad replied after catching his breath.

“Aye, remember Sharde?”

“The one you keep saying wants to meet me? Yea, I remember.”

“She’s going to be there, now you guys can finally meet,” Jeremiah said, hoping that would persuade Rashad to give him a more definitive answer. “Besides, you haven’t been out in a while. Look, I get you’re busy and all, but it would mean a lot to me if you could be there, even if you come late.”

“I got you; I’ll do my best.” Rashad swallowed hard and continued on. “It’s been rough these past few weeks in the hospital, but It’s your thirtieth birthday, you know I’m going to do what I can to make it.”

Jeremiah and Rashad have been friends since they were practically in diapers and have always remained close. These brothers have done quite well for themselves in their respective fields. Rashad is an ER nurse who works ridiculous hours, while Jeremiah runs one of the leading small black-owned software development companies in the heart of downtown Chicago. 

Rashad set the phone down on the table in the hospital break room, took a deep breath, and thought about the conversation he’d just finished. He began to come up with all kind of reasons why making his best friend’s birthday party would be next to impossible, even though he had that particular day off. Later that evening, Rashad trudged through the door of his apartment after a long twelve hour shift in the emergency room. He stepped into his bedroom, took off his sweat soaked scrubs, and walked into the bathroom with his eyes fixed on the floor. He always tried his best not to look in the mirror, for he subconsciously hated his reflection. Rashad’s glory days of pumping iron, felt like a distant memory. His reflection in the mirror reminded him of who he used to be, and also who he vehemently despised.

After a long shower, he brushed his teeth while staring into the bowl of the sink. He gave himself one more shallow look, shook his head, and retired to bed. Rashad dealt with his disdain by evading calls to hang out with his friends and filling up his schedule with work. His love life, or lack thereof, could be attributed to an overloaded work schedule, and a secret shame he’d been caring around with him for over two years.

Rashad struggled with his weight after a terrible car accident, that almost killed him. There were times he’d get so down on himself, that he’d just sit on the edge of his bed, and scroll through old photos feeling frustrated and defeated. Old run-ins with friends often ended with awkward stares and bitten tongues. Make no mistake about it, he could feel their curiosity. His weight dominated his thoughts, and dictated how he felt about himself. It was easy being a nurse, he reasoned. Over-sized scrubs and a busy schedule created the perfect excuse for becoming a recluse.

Several days had passed and the evening of Jeremiah’s party had arrived. Rashad stared at the clock, as seven slowly drew near. What am I going to do, he thought as he weighed his options. He knew how hurt his best friend would be if he never showed face, but his deeply rooted body issues held him hostage. “I can’t meet Sharde looking like this,” he grumbled to himself as he rummaged through his closet. Rashad eventually gave up, and made the call he never wanted to make; he told Jeremiah he wouldn’t make it. He blamed it on an unsuspecting virus that he caught from a patient. How ironic...

***

As a man, I can tell you just how difficult it is for some of us to talk about how feel about ourselves honestly. Society leads you to believe that men don’t have body issues or insecurities, and that is simply not true. Men are taught to man up, keep your feelings inside and it’s killing us emotionally. I applaud women for typically being able to openly share these uncomfortable feelings. There’s something about vulnerability that causes many to clam up and hide behind a wall of pretense. Rashad illustrates just how debilitating it can be to feel trapped inside of a body that you despise. While many people understand that our bodies can be vastly improved with diet and exercise, it’s learning to love yourself right where you are, that seems to be such a challenge.

Who do you see when you look in the mirror? Do you love what you see? Have you accepted who you are in this moment? These can be tough question to answer. Our society has created this faux standard of beauty that many try to attain at the expense of their mental health. Comparison is a breeding ground for feelings of inadequacy. You may not be at the size you want to be right now, but you’re on your way to becoming the best version of yourself. Ladies, your weight doesn’t take away from your beauty or who you are. My brothers, you may not have six pack abs or large biceps and that’s ok. These things don’t define the strength you have deep within. We are much more than our physical appearances; we must learn to accept ourselves.

In your quiet time, I ask that you take a few moments to look at yourself in the mirror. Find five things that you love about yourself. It’s easy to pick apart our flaws, but today we’re going to find reasons to admire ourselves. From this day forward, I encourage you to make a pledge to love every part of you, even the parts that are under construction. There’s only one you, and people love you for you, despite what you may think. Stand tall even when the voices in your mind try to convince you that you’re not good enough. You are good enough. You are wonderful just the way you are, and you’re only getting better with time.

(Shame.)

It was a Tuesday evening; a particularly dreary one in the city of Philadelphia. Dark clouds, high winds and heavy rain pummeled the area all day. Daryl and his brother Michael wouldn’t let bad weather stop them from getting together. Meeting at least once a week to catch up, became a tradition over the past few years as both men grew increasingly busy within their personal lives. The two brothers settled into their usual spot in the corner of the Field House sports bar. The corner spot allowed then to have the perfect view of the large TV, which that night featured the Warriors playoff game.

Daryl tossed his keys down on the table and took his seat. Michael noticed his brother’s sour mood, but decided against saying anything. He assumed he probably just had a rough day.

“You boys having the usual,” Amy, the bartender, said with a smile.

“You know it,” Michael replied making himself comfortable. “Do you mind getting us two buds? My brother here, needs a pick me up.”

As the night progressed, the bar rocked with cheers from fans who enjoyed the competitive game. The staff knew both men fairly well and often made sure their food came out first. Amy brought out pipping hot baskets filled with buffalo wings and truffle fries, followed by two foamy beers. 

“You alright man? You’ve hardly touched your food,” Michael said with a grin as he gauged his brother’s sullen mood.

“Oh yea, I’m good. You see that last shot? Steph Curry’s raining down those threes, isn’t he? This is a hell of a ball game,” Daryl replied, changing the subject. “Really bro, I’m fine.”

Michael could see through Daryl’s clever attempts to dodge his question. After all they were brothers and he could tell when things bothered him. The eyes, are the windows to the soul and he saw a man who wasn’t being honest about his feelings. The rest of the evening continued in similar fashion. Michael, thankfully bonded with the other men at the bar, so his evening didn’t get ruined by his brother’s indifference.

”Thanks for dinner bro. I got us next week.” Michael then placed his arms around his brother, playfully pushing on him to get him to liven up. “You sure you good?”

”Mike I’m always good, you know that. You better get me next week. This was my second week in a row paying for your broke ass. You’re lucky I love you man,” Daryl laughed, finally revealing his pearly whites for the first time.  

Once the game ended, the two got up to leave. Daryl rummaged through his sport coat pocket and pulled out the smart key to his late model, midnight blue Mercedes Benz S class. Beep, Beep. The doors unlock and the brothers got in. Here’s the deal, Daryl’s become an extremely successful entrepreneur and is a staple in the community. Michael had always looked up to his brother, and hoped that he could one day mirror some of his success. Daryl knew this and worked very hard to be an example. He was the poster child of achievement. He had a beautiful family, stunning home and more money than some would ever obtain in an entire lifetime, but even with all of these things, Daryl judged himself harshly.

The car quietly started, bringing all of the immersive screens and gauges to life. The blue mood lights, that strung along the bottom of door seals created the perfect ambiance for high class ride. The sound of falling rain penetrated the cabin while the jazz record picked up where they’d left off through the Burmester sound system.

“You know you can talk to me about anything? You know that right?”  

“Fine, I’ve been stressed”

“Stressed about what Daryl?”

“It’s nothing major. I’m straight,” Daryl replied staring out of the front windshield, navigating through a busy Filbert St.  

The two continued their drive void of conversation with only the melodic notes of the saxophone that breached the awkward silence. Here’s the thing, if we were a fly on the wall in Daryl’s life, we’d see over the past week or so, Daryl took a major hit in his business- a bad deal, made in haste gone wrong. While the bad deal won’t put him out of business, but he thinks the bad deal will make him look like a fool in the eyes of those he respects.

He’d rather face death itself, than to admit he’s failed or made a costly mistake. The shame ate at him, robbing him of his peace of mind. His poor mood was deeply tied to his unwillingness to let go and his rigid judgement of himself. Shame, Where do I begin? The word itself seems to invoke a series of complicated negative feelings within us. It’s an emotion that lies dormant within the shadows of our thoughts, waiting to reveal itself when we find ourselves at the other end of a painful mistake or a personal violation. It can be debilitating, causing us to feel like we’re unable to move.

Our mistakes in life, don’t us a failure. They’re just lessons, albeit painful ones, but lessons all the same. Nobody passes through the earthly plane unscathed. We may not all be Daryl, an entrepreneur having difficult time within a businesses, but may be able to relate to making a costly gaff or hurting someone we love. Perhaps we can relate to saying the wrong thing in the heat of the moment or forgetting who we are and acting out of turn. What makes shame such a daunting emotion to traverse, is that it doesn’t always come from our own mistakes and interpretation of failure. Violations and pain at the hand of others can also evoke the strong emotion. Seeking loving support and guidance is paramount for recovery. There’s hope.

Today, I ask you to give yourself a break. Making mistakes it is apart of being human. Owning up to our mistakes and vowing to learn from them allows us to tread confidently toward our destiny. While the temptation to judge yourself harshly may arise, I encourage you to keep the right perspective. A mistake does’t define you or rule you out of becoming the incredible person you’re destined to become.